Earlier this week we (and by 'we' I mean Angel) cooked up a roast in the crock-pot. For whatever reason this one was a bit drier and tougher than usual and I ended up cutting it into slices around 1/8"-1/4" thick (I promise this is going somewhere). Later I used the beef to make myself a sandwich for lunch. As I was sitting at work eating my sandwich with thick pieces of roast I was reminded of sandwiches from Grandma Vaden. I found myself wishing I had packed some milk in a mason jar with my lunch. What a genius idea.

This week I also designed our annual family Christmas card. As I was putting the finishing touches on it I started thinking about the people who might appreciate or care that I had made it myself. The list was pretty short (luckily I make them because I like to, not to impress people) but Grandma Vaden was on that list. She was an artist and her approval was worth having. It made me sad that she wouldn't be seeing it.

I think about her a lot more than I ever realized. I don't think about her since she's gone anymore than I did before, it's just that it's a much more poignant experience now. Each time it forces me to face the fact that she's gone and the world is worse for it. Even as I write this I'm reminded that I've lost my 'silent watcher.'

I meant for this to be happier but it's been more like the process my thoughts tend to follow:

1. Some event or thought triggers a memory from my childhood that involves Grandma.
2. Waves of happiness and nostalgia wash over me as think about anything related to her (everything about her makes me feel that way).
3. I slip into a bit of darkness when I remember she's gone.
4. I feel grateful that I was privileged enough to have the influence of such an amazing person in my life and grateful for the knowledge that I'll be able to be with her again.

I guess I'll end with that last point. I can think of numerous points in my life where, even from a distance, she influenced me for good (she still does). She left an immeasurable heritage of quiet dignity and strength. I look forward to the lessons that I'll continue to learn from her in the future. And here's a picture of her with Lincoln that makes me happy: